Leading with Empathy
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Join our free workshop!
What’s the most effective way to interrupt your triggers? It’s not meditation, exercise, or box breathing (but those are all good!). It's a practice of empathy. Yes, when your kid leaves their bath towel on the floor of their room after you’ve told them to pick it 500 times, empathy will keep you calm, and also help them change their behavior. Come learn more in this 30 minute workshop.
the heart of the matter
Spirited Kids is the term I choose for kids with big feelings and big behaviors. I was one of these kids. Now the Good Lord, or the universe, or as my mother says—karma—has placed two spirited kids in my care. My 13-year-old is fun, charming, delightfully mischievous, and can quickly dysregulate when life doesn’t go their way. Things that are a bummer for other kids their age—canceled plans, a miscommunication, a consequence for a broken rule—can send them into dysregulated fits of crying, screaming, threatening, and other “big behaviors.”
Lately, I’ve been using a new strategy to help them regulate: empathy.
You’d think this would be easy. As a child, I had a huge temper. I’m the only person I know to ever get red-carded out of a youth soccer game… for yelling at my own teammates. In my defense, I had repeated my assignments on who to mark on defense. They neglected my instructions, and our opponents scored three goals. If y’all could just do what I tell you, we would be in this game!
As an adult, when my kiddo rushes into anger I’m quick to judge them and instinctively want to threaten, dominate, or punish that anger away. Has telling an angry person to calm down ever worked anywhere? So why do I get triggered by an event that I can relate to? Because I’m playing out an intergenerational pattern. My parents were freaked out by my anger flashes. They got me a therapist; they signed me up for baseball and soccer (why are sports so often expected to be a cure for big emotions?). Mostly, my dad retreated, and my mom tried to scream my anger away. Over time, I did mellow, mostly because it’s hard to make friends when you act like an a-hole™.
Here’s what most folks don’t understand about triggers: we get triggered by behaviors we were forced to shut down as children. When we’re young, our brains are highly malleable, and repeated interactions—especially those involving strong emotions—create neural pathways that shape how we respond to stress. If we were taught, explicitly or implicitly, that certain emotions were unacceptable or dangerous, we learned to suppress them to maintain safety or approval. As adults, when we see those same behaviors in others, especially our children, it’s like pressing play on an old, unresolved tape. The reaction isn’t just about the present moment; it’s about the echoes of our own childhood.
We get triggered by behaviors we were forced to shut down as children.
I’ve been working on my triggers for the past four years. Leading with empathy has been the key to interrupting my own triggers. When my child spirals into anger, it’s not about me—even if it feels personal at the moment. I’ve started pausing before reacting, taking a literal deep breath, and asking myself a simple question: What does my kid need right now? They need to feel seen, heard, and understood before they can calm down. And I need to remember that their anger is not a threat; it’s a signal.
This shift didn’t happen overnight. Early on, I’d try empathy, fail, and end up shouting something like, “Do you think yelling at me is going to help you get what you want?” (Spoiler: It didn’t help.) Slowly, though, I’ve learned to sit with my discomfort, acknowledge their feelings, and say things like, “I get it. This situation sucks.” Sometimes, my kid yells louder. Other times, they cry. Almost always, the storm passes faster.
One of the hardest parts of this journey has been recognizing my own inner child. When my kid’s anger flares, it activates a part of me that still remembers being that fiery, frustrated, misunderstood kid. My instinct to shut them down comes from a place of fear: fear that they’ll struggle like I did, fear that I’m failing as a parent, fear that their big emotions will consume them. But I’ve learned that when I meet their anger with empathy, I’m also showing compassion to the child I once was. It’s a bit of a two-for-one deal.
This approach doesn’t mean I let my kids run wild or excuse hurtful behavior. Boundaries are still essential. Last Sunday, we told the kids there would be no screens in the afternoon. They had lots on Friday and Saturday and we wanted them to engage in other things. My teen had a fit - yelling, crying, cussing. I wanted to yell back in a big way. I didn’t. I talked about how hard it is when plans change. How it feels unfair. How disappointment sucks. They didn’t acknowledge me. But 10 minutes later they asked if they could bake bread from scratch. While I went to buy yeast, they went outside with their brother and made up a new game. I got everything I wanted from the screen ban, but I didn’t have to engage in the power struggle. After dinner, I brought up their behavior, procured an apology, and discussed some better alternatives to handle their big feelings. They we watched The Good Doctor while eating fresh baked bread and butter.
Parents of spirited kids: I see you. This path is not easy, but it’s worth it. Leading with empathy doesn’t just help our kids; it helps us break cycles, heal old wounds, and become the parents we’ve always wanted to be.
For a deeper dive on engaging empathy to support your kiddo’s behavior, join our free workshop on February 7. See the announcement at the top of this page!
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Ed Center, the founder of The Village Well, is a parenting coach and educator certified in the Triple P method. The Village Well is a community of parents in BIPOC families, focused on attaining more joy, calm, and meaning in family life. We coach parents to prioritize their own healing and wellness, deepen connections with their kids, and learn tools to support better behavior. Services include Parenting workshops, Parenting courses, and community events. Our support is culturally-grounded support and honors your unique family. Ready to stop yelling? Schedule a free consultation with one of our team members.
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